Farewell, Cannes 2017! We hardly knew ye, and yet ye also lasted for like eight thousand years.
Best Dressed: JESSICA CHASTAIN
gown by Prada, necklace by Piaget
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
Don’t look so surprised that this snagged the Best Dressed spot, dear readers. This is a deceptively simple look. Just a black dress and a weird pearl necklace? Yes, until you get the back view:
Photo: HawtCelebs
It has no right to be this perfect. But this is the magic of styling. Throw on a long tasseled necklace, whatever. Throw that necklace on BACKWARDS, and you somehow up your coolness factor by eleventy billion, and take this look from forgettable to fucking fabulous.
Runner-Up: NICOLE KIDMAN
gown by Chanel, jewelry by Harry Winston
Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
Nicole Kidman embracing her severity can be very hit or miss on the red carpet, but this is a win for me. I’ve seen enough fringe and feathers at Cannes to last me a lifetime, but I love how fucking creepy this is. I should hate the way it sticks out over her neck and chest like supernatural pubes, but somehow it’s thrilling. Very Drusilla-from-Buffy-goes-to-the-opera. And that’s a compliment.
Honorable Mention: DIANE KRUGER
jumpsuit by Alexander McQueen, jewelry by Chopard
Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
The wide-legged pants are ridiculous here – a skinnier leg would have given us the same gown/pants effect and looked far less sloppy – but it’s different from most of what we’ve seen at Cannes. That alone is enough to warrant an honorable mention. And honestly, bitches did NOT bring it nearly hard enough to the amfAR Gala this year. It should be one of the peaks of the Cannes red carpet, but like too many other red carpet events, it has been overrun by models who all wear the same damn sheer bedazzled gown.
IZABEL GOULART
gown by Zuhair Murad
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
Speaking of models in sheer bedazzled gowns… This bedazzle actually has some sense of style to it, and I like the way it sort of fades into tiny sparkles on her cleavage. More things should fade into tiny cleavage sparkles, in my opinion.
CINDY BRUNA
gown by Ulyana Sergeenko
Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select
The necklace is doing ALLLLL the heavy lifting here, but that was true for Jessica Chastain and I loved that shit when she did it. I think the issue here is that this necklace feels like it belongs with a different dress entirely.
MELISSA GEORGE
gown by Schiaparelli
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
This is actually quite pretty, but I just can’t get excited about it.
TRACEE ELLIS ROSS
gown by Jenny Packham
Photo: Kevin Tachman/Getty
This is INSANE, but I think I would have loved it if it weren’t essentially a bathrobe. Those ridiculous Muppet sleeves could have worked with a gown more fitted, or even just more artfully draped. But the proportions here make everything go from risky to cartoonish. Also, diamond studs would have helped. They help most things.
ANJA RUBIK
dress by Saint Laurent
Photo: Alberto Pizzolo/AFP/Getty
Looks like it was taken out of the 2012 Lady Gaga reject pile, but points for wearing something different, I guess.
DOUTZEN KROES
gown by Boss
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
Athletic, California-girl faux-natural chic in a way that almost nobody does anymore. It’s not my favorite aesthetic, but it’s a refreshing break from everything else we’ve seen. Plus, the colors are fantastic.
PAZ VEGA
gown by Redemption
Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select
The hair, earrings, and lipstick are to die for. I could take or leave everything else.
IRINA SHAYK
gown by Prada
Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
She gave birth like ten minutes ago, so she gets credit just for showing up.
KATE UPTON
jewelry by Chopard, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING FRINGE ALREADY.
JOAN SMALLS
gown by Elie Saab, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti
Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
I hate this for making me type the phrase “bejeweled harness.”
BARBARA PALVIN
gown by Prada
Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
Boring and terribly fit.
COCO ROCHA
gown by Jean Paul Gaultier
Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select/Getty
Is that blush, or is Coco a chimney sweep in an old-timey film?
HAILEY BALDWIN
gown by Elie Saab
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
Well, she’d be the most stylish girl at the prom.
WINNIE HARLOW
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
Sorry, sweetheart, but I maxed out on sheer bedazzled gowns a few looks ago.
BELLA HADID
gown by Ralph & Russo
Photo: David M. Benett/Getty
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
LARA STONE
dress by Chanel
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
This is an assault on all of my senses. (Yes, I can smell how terrible this dress is. It smells like desperation. And Chanel No. 5.)
ANNA CLEVELAND
gown by Jean Paul Gaultier
Photo: AFP
IT HAS EYES.
KAROLINA KURKOVA
gown by Marchesa
Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
Oh my GOD, models. Get it together! What are we even DOING right now?
EVA LONGORIA
gown by Elie Saab, jewelry by Damiani
Photo: David Fisher/Rex/Shutterstock
Well, at least it’s not sheer.
NICKI MINAJ
gown by Roberto Cavalli
Photo: PeopleStyleWatch1
Forgettable.
RITA ORA
dress by Chanel, shoes by Paula Cademartor
Photo: Buckner/Variety/Rex/Shutterstock
Hairspray understudy.
Worst Dressed: UMA THURMAN
gown by Armani Privé
Photo: Andreas Rentz/French Select/Getty
I saw many a blogger hail this as genius. It is not genius. It is a poorly-cropped button down over an evening gown, with terrible hair and equally bad shoes. Stop smoking meth, everyone.
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The festival may be over, but Cannes coverage lives on forever.
